just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
