Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
