if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
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You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
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For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize