I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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