The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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