Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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