You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
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the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
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Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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