The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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