I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
