I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
