I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
