WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
