This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
