can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
