She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
