i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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