i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.