My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
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I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
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Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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