Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
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Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
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YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something