WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party