Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
