seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
