one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
