I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
