Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
