I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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