i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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