Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I currently don't understand fingers.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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