OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
this hospital has no fireball
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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