I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
