Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
