My room smells like vodka and shame
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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