That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
