i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
