Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm at about main and main street
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
