my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
