I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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