I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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