the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
