Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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