when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
