I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
