i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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