I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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