yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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