the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
smell my finger.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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