Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
