Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
