life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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