if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
