i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Randomize
