She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
