worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
