i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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