I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
