Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
