On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
