I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
