I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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