I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
