sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
