You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
