Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
