the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
