I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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